"The Secret to Mom Success"

A while back, I did an informal study asking some of my favorite moms what they were struggling with.  One question I asked was, “What does success as a mom mean to you?”  The answers were so interesting, yet, not surprising.  Most moms said the same things: having a happy child, a child with a balanced diet, a well-mannered child, children who are kind, well-rounded, and well-behaved.  One said, and this was my personal favorite, “Having kids who aren’t assholes.” 

Seriously though, can you see the problem in these answers?   Moms are letting their kids define their own success. But the reality is, we have very little control over how our kids behave and feel.  Sure, you can make a healthy dinner and teach good manners, but you cannot force a child to eat broccoli or say please and thank you at the appropriate moments.  We can tell them to be nice and kind to others, but we have little control once they head off to school.  

Oh, and we also can’t make our children be happy.  This one is really tough for moms.  If we see our children struggling with self-esteem or feeling just plain sad, we can feel like failures.  The problem is, looking at our kids for evidence of our success sets moms up for failure. 

Only one mom I interviewed said that being a successful mom meant being balanced and being a good role model.  She hit the nail on the head!  You can’t change your kids but you can change yourself. 

But how?  First of all, by putting the focus in the right place.  We need to focus on what we can control:  ourselves.  We need to model the behavior we want to see in our children.  They learn much more from our behavior than from what we say to them.  We need to practice what we preach!  

Glennon Doyle says, “ Our, children do not need us to save them, they need to watch us save ourselves.”  So, put yourself first.  Treat yourself kindly, and your children will be kind.  Eat healthy and your children will become healthy eaters.  Be happy, and they will be happy too!  Set yourself up for success, and you will be the successful mother you want to be.

“Trust Yourself First”

I am a confidence coach for moms.  Confidence involves many things, but one of the most basic ways to build confidence is to trust yourself.  As moms, we show up for our kids and the key people in our lives, but we often fall short when it’s time to show up for ourselves.  How can we trust ourselves if we consistently neglect ourselves?  How can others trust us if we can’t trust ourselves? 

The message we send if we don’t give ourselves the love and attention we deserve is that we are not worth it, or we don’t matter.  After doing a bit of research on the topic, I discovered that to begin to trust ourselves, there are three keys:  know yourself, be kind to yourself and keep your promises.  

When we know ourselves, we do more of what we love and less of what we don’t.  We spend time with people who fill our cups.  We follow people on social media who feel supportive to us.  We notice when we are feeling negatively or drained and figure out why. 

My daughter asked me the other day what my perfect day would look like, and I honestly didn’t know how to answer for a while.  I have been so caught up in daily life lately, I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to just be myself and do what I loved for a day.  We need to know who we are and what lights us up.  

Being kind to ourselves means speaking nicely to ourselves.  If we mess up, we don’t berate ourselves but speak the way we would speak to our kids: “It’s ok, honey, you are constantly improving, and no one is perfect.”  We rest when needed and do more of whatever lights us up.  We spend time figuring out who we want to be and show up as that person.  

We must also keep our promises to ourselves.  If we set a goal or commit to do something, we need to stick to it.  If I say I am going to work out 5 out of 7 days this week, then I make sure I actually do.  If you committed to meet a friend for lunch at a certain time, you would be there.  You wouldn’t flake on a friend, so don’t flake on yourself.  

Protect yourself like you protect your children.  Be the mama bear for yourself too.  You deserve it, and your children will see you fully embodying yourself.  Show up as the person you want them to look up to and admire:  a confident, strong, and trustworthy you!  

“A Little Bit Better” How Slight Changes to Our Thoughts Can Give Us More Confidence

Understanding the role of thoughts in my life took awhile.  I had always believed that feelings just happened to me.  It seemed obvious that if I was sad, anxious, fearful, frustrated, it was just because that was how I happened to be feeling.  But after a number of cognitive psychology classes and handful of self-improvement books, I learned this was not the case at all.  Thoughts come first.  It was initially hard to believe.  I had never been very aware of my thoughts.  They happen so automatically and unconsciously that we rarely stop to examine them.  But the longer I have been working with clients, the more I truly understand the power of thoughts.  

It is important to learn to recognize our thoughts.  The advice most people give is to just “think positive.”  We even wear jewelry and t-shirts that say things like “Be happy” or “Good vibes only,” as if it were just that easy.  I wish I could wave a magic thought wand and turn my negative thoughts around.  It would be nice if I could switch from a negative thought like, “My thighs are fat and ugly,” to the ultimate positive thought, “My awesome legs should be on the cover of a magazine!”  But, if I don’t believe it, that would be telling myself a lie.  Why would I believe a lie?  

This is where the idea of “a little bit better” comes into play.  Switch your thoughts to something believable, or you are wasting your time.  Thought work is hard, but if we do it gradually, it can be much easier.  “My legs are getting stronger and leaner,” is believable.

I was introduced to this concept on a podcast.  The idea is, instead of going for the gold on your first attempt at changing your thoughts, it may be more realistic to go for the bronze.  So, if you have a negative thought, instead of trying to completely change it to the most positive sunshine and rainbows thought ever, simply make a tiny adjustment. 

If you find yourself feeling bad about parenting, and then realize you inner voice is saying, “I am a bad mom because I yell at my kids,” it is an opportunity to change your thought.  Ultimately, you may want to believe that you are the best mom ever.  However, your brain will look at you with a sideways glance and say “yeah right.”  So instead, go for the bronze with, “I may not be perfect, but I am working on responding to my children without yelling.”  A bit more believable, right?  This believable thought will shift your feelings and elevate your confidence.

I would like to point out that the first step is to recognize the thoughts that accompany your undesirable feelings.  This may take some practice, but once you start noticing what the negative thoughts are, you are on the road to more positive ones.  It takes time to change our thoughts to be more positive because our brains are not wired this way.  Keep practicing and you will find that when you adjust your thoughts, your feelings will follow.  Over time, you will find yourself feeling more confident and joyful.  

"How to Best Handle Sibling Rivalry When Stuck at Home”

It is one of the tough realities of parenthood.  If you have more than one child, they will occasionally have trouble getting along.  Sibling rivalry is never an easy thing to deal with, but add in being stuck at home, and it takes everything to a whole new level.

These fights often take us by surprise.  My daughters can go from loving siblings to triggered rivals in an instant!  When our kids are getting along, we feel like great parents, proud of what a great job we have done raising such amazing humans.  But, when they begin to argue or yell at one another, the negative thoughts come rushing in:  “I am a horrible mother!” and “How have I failed so miserably?”  Rest assured mama, I am here to set the record straight.  Sibling rivalry is part of all families, it is completely natural, and it can even be a good thing.  I’ll explain why in these four easy ways to help your kids curb the fighting.

First of all, remember that you probably won’t be able to stop their fighting all together, but you can reduce it’s frequency.  Take the pressure off yourself and know that aside from locking your children up in separate rooms 24/7, it’s hard to prevent fights.  Plus, these disagreements may actually be preparing them for their future!  They will inevitably have a different opinion from others as they grow up, and now is a great time to learn to navigate differences. 

Second, prepare them with the tools they need.  If you are always playing peacemaker, they will never learn the skills necessary to resolve conflict.  Times of peace are the best times to teach your kids some conflict resolution skills.  A family meeting is a great time to do it.  Model this behavior yourself, of course.  Teach them what to say, how to take turns speaking, how to listen, and how to talk about their own feelings using “I” statements.  Learning to walk away peacefully when they need to is another valuable skill.   Be patient. These skills take time to learn, even for grown-ups. Once they are armed with the skills they need, let them use what they have learned by keeping your interventions minimal.

Third, spend intentional time with each of your children.  One of the main reasons kids fight is to get their parents’ attention.  If they get your one-on-one attention regularly, they will not feel like they have to compete with their siblings for it.  This may sound like a lot, especially if you have three or more kids, but this time together can be just 10 minutes a day.  I have three kids, so this means I need to find 30 minutes total to devote to my kids daily.  Make sure their time with you is special, and let your kids determine what your time together looks like.  Let them be the center of your universe for that 10 minutes.  It will mean the world to them.

Fourth, let them fight!  If you are constantly intervening, they will never learn conflict resolution skills. Teach them how and then give them a chance to work it out.  Unless they are in physical danger of hurting one another, let them use the skills you taught them in #2 above.  If they can’t calm down, you may need to separate them, but make sure you give them a chance to work it out after they have cooled off.  If they try to involve you, let them know that you are confident that they can figure it out. Clearly explain the benefits of working it out themselves, as well as the consequences if they can’t.  For example, say, “If you guys can share the game, you can keep it, but if not, I will have to take it away.”  If they are all working toward the same end goal, they will be more likely to solve the problem. 

Sibling rivalry and the intense arguments it causes may seem overwhelming in the moment, but these four tips will be able to manage your kids, and they may even grow as a result.  

“How to Not Feel Guilty About Your Homeschooling Abilities”

Mamas, everyone’s talking about our “new normal” since this pandemic began affecting our lives.  I would just like to point out that there is nothing “normal” about any of this!  Normal by definition is usual or typical, and that is hardly what is happening right now.  So much is out of the ordinary, especially having to wear one more hat on top of all the others.  

Homeschooling our kids.  It seems ridiculous when you think about it.  Sure, let’s  also homeschool on top of working our full-time jobs, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of everyone including ourselves, while socially isolating and being super stressed out about a pandemic.  Being teachers is not our normal- unless perhaps we are actually teachers or made a decision a long time ago to homeschool our kids.   We had a routine that was most likely working, and to expect this supposed “new normal” to go easily is just too much.

Let’s be real.  This is hard.  

I have never wanted to be a teacher, and in fact, what I actually have wanted to do is help women as a therapist and now as a coach.  I respect and admire teachers, but I have never wanted to do what they do, which is why I do what I do.

I have decided to not put pressure on myself to be a fantastic school teacher.  In fact, my expectations of my kids and myself are pretty low right now and my favorite saying lately is simply, “It’s ok!”

Here are a few tips that are helping me right now, and I believe they will help you too!

First of all, be kind to yourself.  Now is not the time to be hard on yourself (not that any other time is, either).  Feeling guilty about your homeschooling abilities is normal.  But please, feel the feelings and then move away from them.  This may not your zone of genius and it doesn’t have to be!  Shaming yourself in the midst of a global crisis is not fair!  Truly give yourself a break.  If your kids watch movies for most of the day, that is absolutely fine.  We are in crisis, mama!  

Second, be kind to yourself.  Oh wait, did I already say that?  Well, it needs to be said again.  If your inner voice is telling you that you suck at homeschooling, tell her to be quiet!  Tell her that you are doing the best you can.  Tell her that she is not being helpful.  Shift those negative, unhelpful thoughts right away, because guess what?  They don’t help you or your kids.  It is essential to find time for self-care now more than ever before, because the stress is higher than ever.  If you neglect yourself, chances are much higher that you will find yourself yelling or blowing up at your kids or your partner.  

Third, be kind to the kids.  This is hard on them too!  Keep your expectations realistic. Most schools have given parents guidelines on what school should entail, and if your kids do a little bit of that daily, that is awesome!  Make sure you acknowledge their progress, not necessarily the end result.  If they show effort, compliment them on that.  They have not had to learn in this way before, and even a small amount of focus in this new context may be huge for your child.  

We will get through this, so let’s be kind to ourselves and our families.

“Seek Connection While Social Distancing”

Yesterday was a big day for our family.  In the midst of this world-wide coronavirus pandemic, our school district gave us some even more upsetting news.  Our children will not be returning to school for the rest of the year, plus the governor requests that we remain inside unless absolutely necessary.  This news brought on a slew of emotions for my kids and me.  While I am strangely not worried about getting this horrible virus that has us all in a panic, I am actually worried about the psychological repercussions of being stuck inside away from friends and family for the foreseeable future.  I already miss my friends, and I know my kids miss theirs.  I miss simple things like wandering around Target aimlessly or eating a meal out.  Instead, I enter stores with a purpose: get in, check the toilet paper aisle, get out, and stay away from people.  It is less than joyful.  I worry about feeling isolated and how my children will begin to feel being inside the house instead of doing sleepovers with friends, going to the park or attending after school activities.  

Typically, when afraid, people seek connection.  But instead of being able to comfort one another, we are being forced apart.  Being separated from our social support system feels lonely even for those of us who live with our families.  The threat of this virus makes it seem that others are a threat.  My daughter wants to see her friends but it would be irresponsible of me to allow her to socialize.  If we knew for certain when this would all end, it would be easier to manage, but there is no end date.  We cannot make plans for the future.  We cannot make plans to see our friends and it feels kind of dismal.

I heard on a podcast that loneliness is as bad for our physical health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.  Being away from others is damaging to us both physically and psychologically.  My biggest fear is the fallout from social distancing.  Could it actually shorten our lives, even though we are staying away from one another to keep each other healthy?  The isolation feels poisonous in itself.  

As a life coach, I am trained to help people see the positive.  I help my clients find the areas that they can control and focus on them.  Worrying about the uncertainties that we cannot control is pointless.  We need a solution that helps us to cope.  So, for me the solution is the very thing I have been trying to keep my kids away from:  technology.  

Technology is going to keep us connected.  It is our only hope for staying connected, our best shot at normalcy.  I have long been opposed to my children being on their phones and iPads, yet this is how I am staying connected, and this is how they will as well.  So, mamas, let them FaceTime till their heart is content.  Set up Zoom meetings for them to share their feelings and experiences with friends and family.  They need to connect.  Screens are now the best way for them to know they are not alone and that we are all in this together.  Encourage them to plug in.  Even if they just hang out with a friend while homeschooling in their separate homes, or watch a movie “together”, it is ok and even healthy to stay connected.   Until physical distancing ends and we can be close again physically, let them be together virtually. 

“Staying Connected During Times of Stress - The Importance of Family Meetings”

We have been enjoying our family meetings for many years.  They strengthen our connection as a family and help each person communicate better - but they’re also great just for having fun together.  It has not been easy to be consistent with everyone’s changing schedules as my daughter’s have grown.  In our busy lives, we are rarely home at the same time.  Until now.  In this unique moment, we - and probably you- are all home a lot more. So it is the perfect time to introduce (or re-introduce) the family meeting. 

Each family is unique because each family member is unique, so be creative!  Draw on everyone’s strengths and talents to create the kind of meeting that’s effective for your particular family.  

Here are some tips to make your family meetings productive:  

#1:  Use your already scheduled meal time or some other special time when everyone is together.  Maybe have a special dessert on family meeting days to make these times fun and upbeat so that everyone will look forward to them.  Keep meetings brief, maybe 15-20 minutes once a week. Unplug and leave all devices in another room.  

#2:  Always start out on a positive note.  We usually begin by saying something we are grateful for, or we go around and give each family member a compliment.  You could have each person tell a funny story or talk about something good that happened over the past week.  Getting the meeting off to a positive start will bring about a general feeling of positivity and leave everyone open to new ideas.

#3:  Encourage everyone to attend, but keep expectations realistic.  You may want to have your meeting during a younger child’s nap time if you suspect they will be disruptive.  Children under 4 may not appreciate the meeting.  Teens may think they don’t want to attend, but encourage them to talk about that at the meeting.  This is a time to check in with each individual about how they are doing and what suggestions they may have.

#4:  Family meetings give kids a sense of control.  Children want to be involved in the household, and it is a great self-esteem booster when they are able to contribute to family activities and decisions.  They will learn great skills for later in life, like collaboration, listening and brainstorming.

#5:  Make your meeting purposeful and have topics to mix it up.  Here are a few:  what type of family do you want to be?  What are your family values, and what things are important to everyone in the family?  What activities would you like to do as a family, and how can everyone work together to plan them?  Discuss long and short term family goals and how to accomplish them.  Make a family vision board and hang it where you can see it during weekly meetings. Talk about chores, schedules, dinners, and what aspects of daily life each person is happy with or would like to change.  Discuss how to work together so that everyone feels heard and respected.  During times of stress, family meetings can be a safe place to discuss how everyone is feeling about the state of the world and what each person needs to feel better.

#6:  End each meeting the way you started:  on a positive note.  Share what you got out of the meeting and what your favorite part was.  Share one thing each of you commits to do over the next week to benefit the family.

Making family meetings a weekly event can be a great way to connect and feel close as a family.  And there is no better time to start than now.

"How to Manage Stress During Uncertain Times”

Life can be unpredictable and uncertain.  We do our best to manage the day to day stress and business, but every so often life throws us a curveball -like the unique one we are experiencing now.  When something unexpected happens and our usual tactics are no longer applicable, we may be caught off guard and have feelings of confusion.  We may go into a state of fear or anxiety.  We may feel alone and not know where to turn.  These five tips help me to deal with the crazy before I start to feel overwhelmed.

Tip #1:  The most important thing to remember is this:  Whatever you are feeling, it is totally fine - you are totally fine.  Everyone reacts differently, and we all cope in our own unique way.  So allow yourself to feel the feelings you are having and experience them without judgment.  Know that this too will pass.

Tip #2:  Know that you are not alone.  There is support out there.  You just need to ask for it.  As women and moms, we often feel like we should be able to handle it all.  We may even feel ashamed to ask for help.  On the other hand, I bet if someone asked you if you would be willing to help out a friend going through a hard time, you’d most likely say yes!  We are stronger together.

Tip #3:  Know that we can control some things but not everything. Focus on what is within your control.  If you can’t do anything about it, let it go.  If you focus on what is not in your control, you are only wasting energy that could be put to better use.  So ask yourself, “Is this in my control?”  If the answer is yes, then by all means, do what you can!  However, if you decide there is nothing you can do, let the universe handle it.  By letting go of the worries, you free yourself up to have more energy to handle the situation.

Tip #4:  Absolutely take time for self-care.  You want to protect your children and your family, but if you are neglecting yourself, you cannot help anyone else.  Take a few moments to just breathe.  Do something relaxing, even if just for a few minutes, and even if it is just taking a few deep breaths.  This is not selfish, it is essential.  

Tip #5:  Find the silver lining.  Even during stressful times, there is always something positive to notice.  It can be easy to get wrapped up in the negative, so try to shift to a more optimistic vantage point.  My personal favorite way to find the positive is to think of something I am thankful for.  It immediately takes me out of the gloom and doom and leaves me feeling at least a little bit better.

So whatever life throws at you in the coming weeks, keep these tips in mind.  You will feel better able to handle the situation at hand and be prepared for anything else that might come up.  

“How to Communicate with Confidence - Even with Your Kids!”

Communication is an issue most of us struggle with. We likely didn’t learn communication skills when we were young, and chances are, unless we learn this skill ourselves, we can’t effectively teach it to our kids either.  Even good communicators, have difficulty communicating with some of the people, some of the time.  In addition to not feeling heard, we can be left feeling disconnected from our family and other loved ones.  To be honest, I haven’t always the best at communicating. For many years my method sounded a lot like, “Why can’t you just put your socks away, you always leave them on the floor!  You are so messy!”  This approach has never worked for me and likely won’t work for you either.  Over time, I have figured out a method that does works.  And I’ve noticed that these steps are effective in almost every situation, as long as I implement them before the volcano of arguing begins to erupt.  

First and foremost, know that you are unlikely to communicate well in the heat of the moment.  If the volcano has already begun to erupt, you will get nowhere.  So, step number 1 is to cool down first.  If you are angry and you lash out, you will not be heard- “or you will say hurtful things.  Also, you cannot communicate well when the other person is angry, so be patient and find a time when everyone is calm, cool and collected.

Step 2:  decide on your intention for the conversation.  Know where you want things to go prior to talking, especially if it’s with your kids.  Without an intention, you risk flailing around and getting nowhere.  So, decide.  What do I want the outcome to be?  At the end of this conversation, how do I want to feel, and how do I want the other person to feel?  What do I want to shift?

Step 3:  start by telling the person how much you appreciate them and what they are doing right.  No one will tune you out when you express authentic appreciation.  You are not trying to sugar coat anything here.  Simply show your gratitude, even if it’s just for the fact that they are calm and listening in that moment.  

Step 4:  express how you are feeling about the situation at hand.  Without blaming or accusing, clearly identify the feeling associated with the situation you’re in.  Remember, this is simply a word that describes your feeling about he situation.  “I feel like you are a jerk” is not going to work.  Dig deep!

Step 5:  make a request.  Tell the other person what you need in order to no longer feel the way you are feeling.  Ask nicely and in a calm voice so that they can hear you.  As you make the request, you can also request an agreement from the person that they will do what you have asked.  If they seem angry, consider going back to step one.

Knowing these five steps and putting them into action will create confident communication and help you connect to the people in your life who truly matter.  

“How to Parent Each of Your Children with Confidence”

As parents, we are charged with the task of figuring out how to raise our kids in the best way possible.  This would be easy if we had an instruction book on each age, each phase, each child, and each personality type and if we had a useful definition for “best way possible”.  However, parenting advice is often conflicting, and family and friends may offer different opinions, based on their own philosophy of child raising.  So what is a mom to do…?  Well, we do the best we can and hope our babies don’t end up on a therapist’s couch one day-not that there’s anything wrong with that!

After a while maybe, just maybe, we finally think we might have it figured out.  And then, some of us crazy people do the unthinkable:…we decide to have more kids!  Having done it once you would think you will just handle everything the same way, right?  Wrong!  Each kid is unique. My three very different daughters with distinct personalities have very different needs.  We have to treat each as an individual.  Even physically my daughters look very different from each other.  It’s tempting - and probably easier- to treat them all the same, but this is a trap.  It won’t work, so don’t even try.

Yet as busy stressed out moms, we often have to take the path of least resistance and communicate with our kids in a way that is easy.  Often our sentences begin with “Ok, children… or “Kids, I need you to…”  We group them all together because this is all we have the time and energy for in the moment.  But most of the time we get push-back, or even worse…crickets.  When we address our kids all at once, no one hears us.  Is it possible to get our point across with each individual child?

My oldest daughter is very sensitive.  She is rarely an open book, so I have to be strategic when talking to her.  She needs me to be very compassionate, to truly see her, and even to talk about my own experiences as a child. When she feels I can relate, she will open up more.  

My middle daughter is a mini lawyer.  She will argue about almost anything.  Once I say no to something, I cannot falter.  If I do, she will bury me under a heap of arguments about why her way is the right way.  In our conversations, I have to be very decisive and firm, while give her lots of attention and perceived control.

My youngest is still a mystery to me.  In fact, she does not really like to talk about sensitive topics at all.  So we have a journal that we use to write to one another.  I bought the journal to help us communicate.  We trade back and forth and put it on each other’s nightstand when we are done.  Our conversation starts flowing only after we have communicated in the journal first and it takes a bit of time and attention to get her there.  

My kids are certainly not one size fits all, but even if I had only one child, clearly there is some effort and attention involved in finding the ideal communication style.  The only thing that has actually helped me is being confident in my parenting. When I stick to my plan and decisions, leaving no time or room for self-doubt, I feel confident. Comparing myself to the other moms or envying the other mothers’ perfect parenting style is zero percent helpful.  When I take the time to discern what feels right for me by looking inward for the answers, doubt and stress evaporate.  Only when I am connected to myself can I connect to my children, and this sense of connection and confidence is what every child needs and responds to. 

5 Tips to Mega Mom Confidence

“I have too much confidence!” said no mom ever!  We are raising tiny humans to become functional and hopefully successful adults.  We need all the confidence we can get!    When we have confidence, we trust our abilities as moms and we believe in ourselves.  When we feel confident, we are modeling to our children that we have it handled.  When we show them this, they feel safe and are much more likely to feel confident themselves.  

So how do we get more of this amazing quality?  Well the good news is, you don’t have to be born with it.  It is absolutely a skill that can be practiced and mastered over time.  I’m not saying it’s easy, but something that is 110% possible.  It took me years and three daughters to have confidence, and I am still working on it.  But don’t make the same mistake I did.  You can start your journey to confidence right away, without any of the stumbling blocks I had…  Let’s begin with my top 5 tips:

1.  Know what you want.  Take a moment and visualize your most confident you.  Really see her and feel what she feels.  What does she look like and what is important to her.  What are her values?  You can’t work towards something until you know what that something is.  Visualize your highest self and start showing up as her!

2.  Treat yourself with kindness.  Yes, self-care is such a buzz word these days but you simply cannot feel good about yourself if you have not slept, eaten healthy and gotten some movement in your day.  You also need to find time just for you.  It’s not easy with little ones (or big ones for that matter) but it is essential.

3.  Stop comparing yourself to others.  When you notice yourself thinking about how other people have more than you do, you have to shift that perspective immediately.  The only person you should be comparing yourself to is the person you were yesterday.  Instead, take a moment to take inventory of what you do have.  I promise this will make you feel so much better than wishing for someone else’s achievements or possessions.  We are all on our own journey and it isn’t a competition.

4.  Surround yourself with people who bring you joy.  You already know time is limited as a parent, so make sure you are spending it with people who fill your cup rather than take from it.  If you notice you feel drained and/or stressed out after being with someone, it is start to set some good boundaries because no one has time for that!

5.  Practice noticing your self-talk.  Be aware of your thoughts and shift them if they don’t feel good.  When you tune in to that little voice in your head what is it saying to you?   If it is anything short of wonderful, then change the station.  Make a list of all of your good qualities and refer to it if need be.

I encourage you to practice these 5 things and you will be on your way to MEGA mom confidence!

"The Cure for Worry and Uncertainty"

This year, I've switched the focus of my coaching practice to confidence building for moms. Why the new focus? Because I'm passionate about women living joyfully and mother's owning their power. 

Whether you're reading this with a newborn strapped to your chest or are chipping macaroni noodles off your teenager's desk-table for the third time this week, chances are your confidence has taken a hit in the journey that is parenthood.

It's a change most of us don't even realize is happening. One minute you're pregnant, the next you've got this beautiful creature you've got to keep alive. Before you know it, that baby is a walking, talking hunger-machine who's wants, needs, and interests change so frequently it feels impossible to keep up with them.

And parenting is so much more than healthy food and just enough sleep. It's competition, the pressure to parent a certain type of way, opinionated in-laws, and the inner voice in our head that never seems to stop talking. Telling us things like "you're doing it wrong," "you're screwing them up for life," and "you're not enough.”

What if I told you I could help you turn those voices off?

While there aren't any magic pills to make homework disappear or miraculously get the kids to bed on time, there are simple steps you can take to make parenting - and life in general - a more joyful experience. If you are ready to say good-bye to self-doubt and become a more present and confident parent, my Confidence Cure Program is the remedy you've been looking for. 

"Enough"

A new year (even a new decade!) is here! At this time of year, everyone talks about setting goals and creating a vision for the future.

Every day, I consciously make an effort to inspire each mama I connect with to really take a look at herself and determine how she can be an even better version of herself.

But today, I feel something is more pressing. 

Sure, we all need a vision and we all can benefit from working toward goals, but first, I want you, the tireless working mama, to know one very important thing:

You are enough.

You’re enough, just as you are right now. 

When nagging doubts in your head try to tell you otherwise, stop them.

When you start asking yourself, “Am I enough,” please know that you are.

When you start to feel like the other moms on social media are doing a much better job than you are, remember that people only put a version of their best life online and it’s not necessary reality.

We as women and moms question ourselves relentlessly. 

“Am I doing enough for everyone else?”

“Am I providing a nice home and healthy enough meals”

“Am I spending enough time with each of my kids, …with my husband, with my friends, working at my job?”

The self doubt and negativity can be endless. 

That’s why I am here to tell you, once and for all, YOU, my friend, are enough!  

By doing the best you can, you are doing enough. 

Will I be posting about new year’s resolutions at some point?  Yes, because we can all grow and learn and move forward.  

If we don’t keep pushing, we stagnate and life becomes very boring. So don’t stop believin’ in your vision for your future ( cue Journey song).  

When you question yourself and your abilities, you are only holding yourself back.  

Take advantage of every opportunity and when doubt starts knocking at your door, tell it to go away ASAP!

“I Need a Break!" Help for Overwhelmed Moms

It took me a whole minute during my life coach training to decide what niche I would focus on.

“Moms” was my obvious choice.

Why moms, you might ask. The answer might surprise you.

Parenthood is the most demanding and important job on the planet. We are called to raise tiny humans to become healthy, functioning adults yet we have no instruction manual. 

The moment that little person comes into the world, we are solely responsible for taking care of him or her.  And the reality is, the brunt of the job falls on moms.  

Most moms find themselves going 100 miles per hour and very seldom have a chance to slow down and re-fuel. Since we are responsible for so much, we feel our only choice is to put ourselves last. So that’s what we do.  

Time and time again we take care of everyone around us and completely neglect ourselves.  If, on the rare occasion, we do decide to do something just for us, the guilt is so overwhelming we fall back on our usual patterns.  

So what happens to these poor mom souls over time? You might start experiencing a constant feeling of dread that you can’t shake.  On the extreme end, you could become so burnt out that you end up in the hospital.  

Everyone has different symptoms of being overwhelmed but here are a few common ones:

• One red flag is that you (or your friend, sister etc.) are yelling more often and snapping at your kids and/or husband. I know this one used to ring true for me quite often. I am a bit more in control of it now but there are still times that I am just moody and my fuse is really short. This is a cue for me that I need to make a change.

• You are seriously neglecting your own health.  You may be getting sick more often or just feeling sluggish. Your lunch most likely consists of the crust you cut off of your kids PB & J sandwich and you haven’t showered in days. Your children are dressed in brand new, perfectly put together outfits, but you are in the same yoga pants you wore yesterday (and the day before).  

• You feel exhausted all of the time and have trouble getting out of bed. You might feel like Bill Murray in Ground Hog Day and can’t muster the energy to do it all over again. At times you may be exhausted but still have difficulty sleeping because of all of the re-occurring thoughts and to-do lists going through your head.  It’s like your brain needs an off switch.

• You worry all the time. Typically this is in conjunction with negative thoughts. Often moms worry that they are not doing a good job or have thoughts that they are a terrible mother. It may feel like there is this mean bully in our heads who just won’t let up.  

If you notice any of these, it may be a warning sign that it is time to re-center and re-connect with you.  Here are a few ways that moms can do just that:

• Find time for self care. It’s so easy to put yourself last on your to-do list but I am here to tell you that you must be at the top!  There is a reason they say to put your airplane oxygen mask on before your child’s.  You need to be alive and well to keep the little humans alive and well.  

• Learn to say no. If something is costing you peace of mind, take it off your list. I know you want to help everyone with everything but you just can’t.  Say no and do not allow any guilt to creep in.

• Unplug from social media.  We have completely forgotten what the world was like without Facebook, Instagram etc. Social media leads to “comparisonitis" and is not good for your mental health. Live life IRL. Read a book, go for a walk, do something you enjoy that doesn’t require a charger. Notice all of the beautiful things in the actual world.  As a bonus, notice what you are grateful for. You simply cannot be jealous of others if you are thankful for your life and all the amazing things in it.  

• And if you just can’t shake the feeling of overwhelm, ask for help. Ask a friend or family member. Ask your husband for a day off if you are the primary caretaker. If you aren’t sure if your inner circle will be able to be objective, seek the help of a mom coach. Having a coach to help you strategize and walk alongside you may be the best decision you can make for your own wellbeing.  

Once you are taking care of yourself you will be able to be the best mom (wife, friend…) you can be!

"How to Find Confidence in Stressful Situations"

The other day my 11 year old daughter auditioned for a part in a play.  According to her, this was her “dream role”.  She spent hours preparing and practicing.  The thing is, so were hundreds of other girls.  This particular theater is highly regarded and getting a big role is not an easy task.  As her mother, I did what I could to encourage her, but also told her to prepare herself emotionally for not getting the part.  When her name was called, I crossed my fingers hoping for the best. Secretly, I was terrified of the tears and sadness that would most likely follow.

So fast forward to the results, she did not get the part.  To my surprise she handled it pretty well.  As a life coach, however, I became curious about how best to handle stressful situations, such as this, in the best way possible.  After a bit of research and talking to a few people on the subject, I have come up with three of what I believe are the most effective ways to handle stressful situations with confidence.

#1 The Power Pose:  According to social psychologist Amy Cuddy, the outward practice of a power pose, (imagine superman standing tall with hands on hips looking up toward the sky) can change your inner perception of power.  Doing a power pose for as little as two minutes can increase performance in situations where you have to do well, such as a job interview (or for your kids an audition or try-out).  To expand on this idea, I think it can really help our confidence when we fake it at first.  Act how you want to feel.  Maybe pretend that you are someone else who you view as having unlimited courage.  Even if it seems uncomfortable at first, over time you will continue to grow and improve until you become that self-assured person you would love to be.  The more we practice this the better we will get.

#2 Have a Growth Mindset:  Much research has been done to show that a growth mindset leads to higher achievement.  A growth mindset is a way of looking at life in which your focus is on how to get better rather than only striving for the end goal.  If you have a fixed mindset you believe that you cannot change and that your talent alone will lead to success. When you believe that you will grow and get better, overtime you do!  In fact, just having a positive mindset overall can help with confidence.  I think this can apply to new parents or those who are unsure what to do with the current phase their sweet little one is currently in.  Remember you don’t have to be perfect but we can all improve.  So when you notice that negative little voice in your head telling you that you aren’t good enough, kindly tell it to be quiet.  Let it know that every situation, even if it is out of your comfort zone, is an opportunity for growth.  You got this!

#3  Be Grateful:  Honestly, no matter what you are facing in life, I believe gratitude is your best friend.  Whatever uncomfortable or intimidating situation you are dealing with, if you take a moment and assess what you have in life, you will immediately find yourself in a more positive state of mind.  So take an inventory of the people you love and you will be reminded of how good things are.  If you are truly grateful, everything else gets put into perspective, no matter how scary.

Even if you (or your kids) aren’t trying out for the lead in a Broadway musical any time soon, I know these three tips can help give you quick confidence in any situation.  The bonus is, the more you face challenges that are out of your comfort zone, the more that zone expands.  With practice, you may just find that your confidence is so high you will welcome any situation that comes your way.  

VIDEO: 5 Tips to Making an Amazing Vision Board

These are my top 5 tips for making a vision board. If you want hands on advice and experience come to my workshop. Watch the video below.

"Best Things Money Can Buy"

Let’s face it, we live in a world where we need money for practically everything. But what about when you have a little extra to spend on your wants? There are so many choices out there so we really want to choose wisely for both our need and our wants. UpJourney has interviewed a few experts (including myself) on how to put your money to good use. Read the full post here: https://upjourney.com/best-things-money-can-buy

“Happiness is Not a Math Problem, Or Is It?”

As moms we all want to teach our children what is important and help them navigate life successfully.  But, have you ever stumbled upon something that causes you to look at things differently?  A way of thinking that makes you see things in a different light?  Well, this happened when I read the book “The Happiness Equation”.  I was at the library with my daughter when I decided to check out the self improvement section.  I love these types of books but this one really got me thinking outside the box. 

When I came across the “Happiness Equation”, which is by Neil Pasricha, the director of the Institute for Global Happiness (who knew there was such a place),  I was immediately intrigued. As a life coach, I love reading about new updates in happiness research.  I wanted to write about it as soon as I was done because it challenges our traditional thinking about happiness.  The equation that is presented that will hopefully lead us to more happiness is this:  

Want Nothing + Do Anything = Have Everything.

Then he offers 9 secrets to happiness.  I loved this book and how Pasricha gives scientific evidence as well as real stories to demonstrate his concepts.  Here are a few of my favorites:

“Be Happy First”.  We are all taught from the time we are young that we should work hard in school, get a good job so we will be successful and then we will, finally, be happy. The problem is that we never get to the happiness part.  We just keep setting more goals.  This book basically flips this idea on it’s unhappy head.  It suggests that we need to be happy first.  This way we can feel great and thus, do great work.  Once this happens we will be hugely successful.  I love this way of thinking because I completely agree that we can’t just wait around to be happy.  We need to be happy now.  So often I talk with people who say I will be happy when…(fill in the blank).  Well what happens if that when never comes?  Don’t we want to teach our kids to be happy in the process?

It seems simple to just decide to be happy.  In reality, it does take some work but it is very possible.  Part of what I do as a life coach is to help people once they have decided to be happy.  It is a decision and an intention that happens when we focus on it.  We have to change our thoughts and our attitude.  Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.  Just in case you are struggling with how this works, there are some proven ways to help us in the process.  He offers seven ideas to train your brain to be happy.  A few of these are exercise, meditation and gratitude journaling which are all practices that I encourage as well.

Pasricha also suggests to “Do it for You”.  If you do this criticism can’t touch you.  If you want to be happy don’t do things in life for others.  External motivation can kill your happiness.  Don’t compete with others, only yourself.  If you are happy with yourself you will feel satisfied and content.  I think this is so important to teach our children especially in a world where children are so vulnerable to criticism.  If we can teach them to do things for themselves and we model this, they will be more confident.  Isn’t that what we really want?  

The third secret that I loved was “Just Do It”.  No this is not a Nike ad, this is a powerful concept as well.  The idea is that action leads to motivation.  He says, it is easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking than to think yourself into a new way of acting.  So if you have been wanting to write a book or run a 10K, just start.  Write that first page or run to the end of the block.  Even if you don’t want to do something. If you just do it, you will know you can and then you will want to.  Crazy huh?

There is so much in this book and the stories are fun and powerful.  I hope I gave you a little taste but definitely check it out if you get a chance.  The equation for happiness basically says the only three goals you need are to want nothing (contentment) and you can do anything (freedom) then you will have everything (happiness).  I plan to consider this new equation and hope you will too.  We will both be on our way to discovering our best and happiest selves.

“Why We Need Thanksgiving More Than Once a Year”

I used to think Thanksgiving was the most ridiculous holiday.  As a kid, I watched the women in the house spend endless hours cooking food that I didn’t like very much and we didn’t even get a gift at the end. Instead, we had to clean up while the men sat around watching football on television.  This was not a tradition I felt thankful for.  Now that I have kids of my own, I have the opportunity to begin some new traditions.  The one thing I have learned to love about this holiday is that it is a reminder to be thankful.  This is the part that I really want to teach my children.  But why only be grateful once a year?  After a bit of research on the topic, I concluded that we should practice being thankful much more often.  

Here is what I have learned (and hope to teach my kids)… While most of us don’t think about gratitude much until Thanksgiving, researchers have been studying gratitude extensively and not just on holidays.  Dr. Robert Emmons is the leading researcher on this subject and has shown time and time again that gratitude has many benefits.  Based on his evidence, we should all be thinking about this practice daily rather than just once a year.

So what has science shown us about the benefits of practicing gratitude?  Well, grateful people are more satisfied with their lives in general.  They are thankful for what they have and don’t spend much time longing for what is missing in their lives.  They are rarely envious of others since they are happy with what they have.  It is actually impossible to be envious and grateful at the same time.  Seriously, try it!

Also, if you have an attitude of gratitude there is no room for negative feelings.  When you take a moment and recognize all of the wonderful things you have, you feel happier.  When you focus on the positive you are in a better mood and are less likely to fall into negative thinking.  Basically, you cannot suffer and appreciate at the same time.  

Expressing gratitude can improve relationships because grateful people get along better with others.  Their relationships are more satisfying, they feel more connected and less isolated than people who are less grateful or not practicing gratitude.  

Dr Emmons also says that grateful people are less depressed, less anxious, they achieve more and are more giving.  There are also benefits to our physical health.  Grateful people have healthier habits, they exercise more and sleep better.  They also have lower blood pressure and healthier heart health.  Sign me up!

Grateful people are also more resilient to trauma and more equipped to handle setbacks in life.   According to Dr. Emmons, “Consciously cultivating an attitude of gratitude builds up a sort of psychological immune system that can cushion us when we fall.  There is scientific evidence that grateful people are more resilient to stress, whether minor everyday hassles or major personal upheavals”.

So with all of these benefits who wouldn’t want to become more grateful?

Well, as it tuns out it is not quite so easy.  Our brain is naturally wired to focus on the negatives.  Looking for the bad or dangerous kept us alive from an evolutionary perspective.  This was a useful trait in our caveman days but is not so useful today.  Science shows we are 7 times more likely to notice a negative than a positive.  The good thing is that neuroscience shows that our brains can change when we adopt new habits.  The very structure of our brain can grow when we practice positive habits. 

It seems obvious then that gratitude needs to become a practice.  One way to do this is by gratitude journaling.  Emmons’ research showed that after just two or three weeks of filling out gratitude diaries participants had an improvement in mood, optimistic outlook and life satisfaction.  They were also more likely to help others. This takes only 5 or 10 minutes a day.  Other research shows that if we write down three things we are grateful for everyday, after 21 days we start to re-wire our brains to start scanning the world for the positives.  

Take the Gratitude Challenge with me! I challenge you to write down three things you are grateful for every day for 21 days. I will be doing this too and updating you along the way. Together let’s see if we notice these benefits as well.

So start practicing and your brain will grow to be a grateful one.  You will be one step closer to your best self yet!

“Why Homework is More Than Just a Hassle for Our Kids”

As humans, we all deal with stress.  From the time we are born we deal with fears and anxieties.  As adults, we hopefully find ways to cope with our stress.  We may exercise, go to the spa, meditate or write in a journal.  But what about our kids?  What are their fears and how do they cope with them.  According to recent research, 53% of kids say their biggest stress is homework.  I actually was shocked when I heard this.  I assumed that children would be most anxious about dying or maybe the Boogyman.  Then I thought about it...We feel pressured by external pressures all of the time and kids feel this pressure as well.  They may worry that if they don’t get good grades they won’t be loved or they won’t belong. 

There are days when I pick up my kids from school and even though I try my best to greet them in a positive, cheerful way, they are sometimes snappy and cranky.  I recently asked my daughter, “How are you today?”  “I have homework,” she replies with her head down and in a defeated voice.  After some deeper inquiry, I found out how much pressure she feels due to her homework.  She would rather not do it but has to.  Because of this she feels burdened and stressed out.

So what is the solution?  While my daughter suggests a worldwide petition against assigning homework, I’m not sure how well this would go over.  A more realistic solution is that we need to mirror for our kids how to show up with less pressure.   Here are some tips that I have seen work again and again.  First of all, we need to really listen to children and pay attention to their concerns.  Sometimes just being validated can help.  If they are consistently having problems, it may be time to check in with their teachers.  Second, model good coping skills.  In additon to typical stress management like deep breathing etc., another way to do this is to avoid procrastination.  When we leave work until the very end we just end up adding more pressure.  Also, show them it is ok to ask for help.  Asking for help creates connection and will help you or their teacher know what the struggle is.  Lastly, let them know it is ok and they don’t have to be perfect. Let them know that effort is more important than results and that mistakes help us to learn.   

As tough as it is, homework is a reality in our kids’ lives.  So, we need to help them find ways to cope.  By mirroring and empathizing, you can become the best role model you can be.